What Is a Pallbearer?
A pallbearer is a person who helps carry or escort the casket at a funeral service. The term derives from the word "pall," which refers to the cloth draped over a casket, and "bearer," meaning one who carries. Being asked to serve as a pallbearer is considered a significant honor, as it indicates that the deceased's family holds you in high regard and trusts you with this deeply personal responsibility.
The tradition of pallbearing dates back centuries and is observed across many cultures and religions worldwide. While the specific customs and practices may vary, the fundamental role remains the same: to respectfully transport the casket from the funeral venue to the hearse and from the hearse to the gravesite. In some traditions, pallbearers also carry the casket into the church or funeral home at the beginning of the service.
There are generally two types of pallbearers: active pallbearers, who physically carry the casket, and honorary pallbearers, who walk alongside the casket in a symbolic gesture of respect without bearing its weight. Honorary pallbearer roles are often given to elderly family members, close friends who may have physical limitations, or individuals who held special significance in the deceased's life.
How Pallbearers Are Selected
The selection of pallbearers is typically the responsibility of the deceased's immediate family, often in consultation with the funeral director. The process can be emotionally charged, as families must consider both the symbolic significance of the role and the practical requirements of carrying a casket.
Traditionally, pallbearers are close male relatives or friends of the deceased, such as sons, brothers, nephews, grandsons, or lifelong friends. However, modern funeral customs have evolved to include women, colleagues, community members, and others who had meaningful relationships with the deceased. There are no strict rules about who can serve as a pallbearer, and families should feel free to select individuals who best represent the deceased's life and relationships.
The standard number of pallbearers is six, though this can vary depending on the size and weight of the casket and the customs of the funeral home. Some funerals may have eight pallbearers, particularly if a larger casket is used. Families may also designate additional honorary pallbearers to recognize individuals who were important to the deceased but who may not be able to physically carry the casket.
When selecting pallbearers, families should consider the physical ability of potential candidates. Carrying a casket requires a degree of strength, balance, and coordination, and the task can be emotionally taxing as well. It is important to choose individuals who are physically capable and emotionally willing to perform this duty. If a selected pallbearer has concerns about their ability to carry the casket, they should communicate this to the family so that alternative arrangements can be made.
Duties and Responsibilities of a Pallbearer
The primary duty of a pallbearer is to carry or guide the casket at designated points during the funeral proceedings. However, the role extends beyond the physical act of carrying. Pallbearers are expected to conduct themselves with dignity, reverence, and composure throughout the funeral service.
Before the funeral, pallbearers should arrive early, typically 30 to 45 minutes before the service begins. This allows time for the funeral director to provide instructions on how to carry the casket, where to stand, and how the procession will proceed. The funeral director will demonstrate the proper techniques for lifting and carrying the casket, including how to grip the handles, maintain a steady pace, and navigate turns, stairs, and uneven terrain.
During the service, pallbearers are usually seated together in a designated area, often in the front rows near the casket. They should remain attentive and respectful throughout the ceremony, refraining from using mobile phones or engaging in casual conversation. When it is time to carry the casket, pallbearers should rise together and move to their assigned positions with quiet coordination.
The procession from the funeral venue to the hearse is one of the most visible and emotionally significant moments of the service. Pallbearers should walk in unison at a slow, measured pace, maintaining the casket at a level and steady height. The funeral director will typically lead the procession and provide guidance throughout. At the hearse, pallbearers carefully load the casket according to the funeral director's instructions.
At the cemetery or burial site, pallbearers again carry the casket from the hearse to the gravesite. This may involve walking on grass, gravel, or other uneven surfaces, so pallbearers should wear appropriate footwear with good traction. The funeral director will guide the group to the gravesite and instruct them on how to position the casket on the lowering device.
What to Wear as a Pallbearer
Appropriate attire for a pallbearer is generally formal and conservative. For men, a dark suit in black, navy, or charcoal grey is the standard choice, paired with a white or light-colored dress shirt, a subdued tie, and dark dress shoes. For women, a dark dress, skirt suit, or pantsuit is appropriate, with conservative accessories and closed-toe shoes with a low or moderate heel.
Some families may request specific attire or colors for the pallbearers to create a cohesive appearance. This could include matching ties, pocket squares, or boutonnieres. If the family has specific requests, they will typically communicate these in advance. If no specific dress code is provided, defaulting to traditional dark formal attire is always appropriate.
Comfort and practicality should also be considered when choosing attire. Pallbearers will be lifting and carrying a heavy casket, so clothing should allow for freedom of movement. Shoes should be sturdy and slip-resistant, as pallbearers may need to walk on various surfaces, including wet grass, gravel paths, or stairs. Avoid wearing overly tight clothing, high heels, or accessories that could interfere with the carrying process.
Pallbearer Etiquette and Protocol
Serving as a pallbearer requires adherence to certain etiquette guidelines that ensure the dignity and solemnity of the occasion. First and foremost, pallbearers should be punctual. Arriving late to a funeral is disrespectful under any circumstances, but it is especially problematic for pallbearers, who play a critical role in the proceedings.
Pallbearers should maintain a somber and respectful demeanor throughout the funeral. This means avoiding loud conversations, laughter, or other behavior that could be perceived as disrespectful. Mobile phones should be silenced and put away for the duration of the service. If a pallbearer feels overwhelmed by emotion during the service, it is perfectly acceptable to shed tears, as this is a natural and expected response to grief.
When carrying the casket, pallbearers should follow the funeral director's instructions precisely. This includes maintaining proper hand placement on the casket handles, walking at the pace set by the lead pallbearers, and being mindful of the other pallbearers to ensure the casket remains level. Communication during the carry should be minimal and limited to necessary coordination, such as alerting others to a step or uneven surface.
After the committal service at the cemetery, pallbearers may be invited to join the family for a reception or gathering. Attending this gathering is a thoughtful gesture that shows support for the grieving family. At the reception, pallbearers should offer their condolences to the family and share positive memories of the deceased if appropriate.
The Emotional Weight of Being a Pallbearer
While much of the guidance around pallbearing focuses on logistics and etiquette, it is important to acknowledge the emotional weight of this role. Carrying the casket of someone you loved is a profoundly moving experience. The physical act of bearing the weight of the casket can serve as a tangible expression of grief, love, and respect.
Many pallbearers describe the experience as both an honor and a source of closure. The act of physically carrying a loved one to their final resting place provides a sense of purpose and participation in the mourning process that can be deeply healing. It is a final act of service, a way of saying, "I am here for you, even now."
At the same time, the emotional intensity of the experience can be overwhelming. Pallbearers may find themselves overcome with grief during the carry, and it is important to know that this is okay. The other pallbearers and the funeral director are there to provide support, both physically and emotionally. If a pallbearer feels they are struggling, leaning slightly more weight onto the other bearers or taking a moment to compose oneself is entirely acceptable.
It is also common for pallbearers to experience a range of emotions in the days and weeks following the funeral. The experience can bring up feelings of loss, nostalgia, and reflection. Seeking support from family, friends, or a counselor can be beneficial for processing these emotions.
Cultural and Religious Variations
Pallbearing customs vary across cultures and religious traditions, and it is helpful to be aware of these variations when serving in this role. In many Christian traditions, the pallbearers carry the casket into the church for the funeral mass or service and then out to the hearse. The casket is often covered with a white pall, symbolizing the deceased's baptismal garment.
In Jewish funerals, it is customary for all attendees to take turns carrying the casket, symbolizing the communal nature of mourning. The casket is typically simple and unadorned, made of plain wood without metal hardware. Pallbearers may stop several times during the procession to the grave, a tradition that symbolizes the reluctance to part with the deceased.
In Islamic funerals, the deceased is carried on a simple bier rather than in a casket, and all men present are encouraged to participate in carrying the bier. The procession moves quickly, reflecting the Islamic emphasis on prompt burial. Women traditionally do not serve as pallbearers in Islamic funerals, though customs vary by community.
Hindu funerals typically involve the eldest son or closest male relative carrying the body on a stretcher or bier to the cremation site. Other family members and mourners follow in procession. The chief mourner performs specific rituals at the cremation site, including lighting the funeral pyre.
Conclusion: Honoring the Role of Pallbearer
Being asked to serve as a pallbearer is one of the most meaningful honors that can be bestowed upon a person. It is a visible expression of the trust and respect that the deceased's family has for you, and it provides an opportunity to perform a final act of love and service for someone who was important in your life.
By understanding the duties, etiquette, and emotional dimensions of the role, you can carry out this responsibility with the dignity and reverence it deserves. Whether you are carrying the casket of a parent, grandparent, sibling, friend, or colleague, the act of pallbearing connects you to a timeless tradition of honoring the dead and supporting the living in their time of grief.
